The Real Story of Paul Revere*


If you haven’t heard about the kerfuffle over Sarah Palin’s version of the purpose for Paul Revere‘s Midnight Ride, then you probably are living under a rock. And, you probably aren’t reading blogs either, which means this may be lost on you.

Well, apparently after the immense criticism that Palin has received for defending her remarks, she has decided to release yet another clarifying statement to demonstrate just how well she really knows her American History.

I, for one, am just glad we have for the very first time a full and complete record of what truly happened the fateful night the Revolutionary War got started. I managed to get an advanced copy of the statement she plans on releasing later today:

“My fellow Americans. Here’s a little story I’ve got to tell about three bad revolutionaries you know so well. It started way back in history with Hancock, Sammy A and the man, Paul Re.

Ironically he also had a horsy named Paul Revere, it was just him and his horsy and a quart of beer. Riding over to Lexington, kicking up sand, the British were on his tail cause he was in demand.

One lonely patriot he be, all by himself without nobody. The lantern beamed down on his colonial hat. The tension was getting thick and his beer was getting flat. Lookin’ for the trail, he ran into a guy. His hame was Sammy A, he said, ‘Howdy’, Paul said, ‘Hi’.

He told a little story that sounded well rehearsed. Four days hiding out and that he’s dying of thirst. The brew was in Paul’s hand, and Sammy was on his tip. His voice was hoarse, his throat was dry he asked Paul for a sip.

Sammy said ‘Can thee get some?’ Paul said ‘Thee can’t get none’. He had a chance to run, but Sammy pulled out a long gun. Quick on the draw, Paul thought he’d be dead. He put the gun to Paul’s head and this is what he said.

‘Now my name is Sammy A. I’m here to overthrow the oppressive British regime and end taxation without representation. I think you know what time it is, it’s time to form a new nation. Now what do we have here, a fellow patriot and his beer. I run this command, you understand, I make myself clear’.

They stepped into the wind, Sammy had a gun, Paul had a grin. You think this story’s over, but it’s ready to begin.

‘Now I got the gun, you got the brew. You got two choices of what you can do. It’s not a tough decision as you can see, I can blow you away or you can ride on to Concord with me.’

Paul said to him: ‘I’ll ride with you if you can get me out of here this instant . The governor is after me for what I did with the resistance. I did it like this, I did it just then. I did it with a quill pen. So, I’m on my midnight ride, the British ships are on their way, and right about now it’s time to try to save the day. The King needs to be no more and I know how to find the fly spot with the ammunition store.’

They rode for six hours then they hit the spot. The battleground was a bumping and raining buckshot. This dude was staring like he knows about their crusade, they took the empty spot next to him in the brigade. Sammy A said ‘Yo, you know this kid?’ Paul said ‘I didn’t', but Sammy knew he did.

The kid said ‘Get ready, cause this ain’t retribution, my name’s Hancock and I’m about to start a revolution.’ Pulled out a musket, aimed it at the sky, He yelled ‘Liberty!’ and let two fly. Hands went up and people hit the ground, he wasted two redcoats that were standing around.

‘I’m Paul Re and I get respect, my land and my freedom is what I expect!’ Sammy A was with it, and he was an ace. He grabbed the commander and punched him in the face. The commander was out, the fighting stopped. His lieutenant had beef and he got dropped.

Paul Re grabbed the flag, Sammy A snatched the British’s gold. They earned their freedom and beer that’s cold.”

* may not be historically accurate. :)

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About PJ Mullen

PJ Mullen is a dad, husband, amateur chef and prolific air drummer blogging about his life as a dad and anything else that is on his mind. Occasionally he blogs about being a dad in the kitchen at peaches en risotto and is a contributor over at Digital Dads.

Facebook comments:

  • http://www.jugglingeric.com Eric D. Bolton

    So Washington and everyone were fighting for their right to party??

  • Anonymous

    the “howdy” and “hi” bit was a particularly nice touch. so, too, was “all by himself without nobody.” both of which actually make me think that really *is* her statement. i wish she could just man up once and say: “you know what, folks? there’s a lotta stuff i don’t really know a whole bunch about, yet i kinda just go with it anyway.” (though she’d say “anyways.”)

  • http://www.pjmullen.com/ PJ Mullen

    Exactly, it’s a little known fact that the original preamble to the Constitution began “We the Party People” until that blowhard Franklin objected.

  • http://www.pjmullen.com/ PJ Mullen

    A politician admit to making a mistake? Never happen.

  • Anonymous

    I think I like this version better than any I’ve ever heard. I’m glad they got gold and the beer!

    Sarah Palin, ah, hmmmmm, I mean . . .

  • http://seashoresubjects.blogspot.com/ Seashore

    Love the Beastie Boys tone! And it explains why we have Sam Adams beer! :)
     

  • http://www.pjmullen.com/ PJ Mullen

    She’s a trip, isn’t she :) It’s like watching a 10 car pile up. You don’t want to look, but you just can’t help it.

  • http://www.pjmullen.com/ PJ Mullen

    Exactly! I’m glad someone picked up on the whole Sam Adams thing :)

  • Seattledad

    Did somebody say Beer?

    We would need more than a few if she ever became our leader.

  • http://www.pjmullen.com/ PJ Mullen

    Very true, I predict “strong buy” ratings on all brewery stocks if this were to even remotely become our reality :)

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